There is a particular kind of stress that comes with ambition. The stress of competition. The fear of failure. The constant comparison to others.

But perhaps the greatest stress for so many of us is none of these. It is the quiet, persistent fear that you may never become the athlete or person you believe you could be. 

​

You finish a workout and instead of being proud of the effort, you think about what you should have done better. You finish a race and immediately focus on your “mistakes,” questioning whether there was something more or different that you could have done to secure a better placement. 

You aren’t necessarily afraid of losing. You are afraid of stagnating and of never pushing your boundaries enough to grow into who you think you could and should become.

​

Endurance Climb Race

​

A few months ago we raced the Endurance Climb as part of the Sunday Race Club on MyWhoosh. 5 stair step climbs of about 2.5-3k with short flats in between. Roughly 1,500m of climbing in less than 35k. Not exactly my strength! 

​

I went in with limited confidence and limited expectations. I

simply wanted a solid training day. I did not expect anything

heroic.

​

When we hit the first climb, the front few quickly did what they

do and pulled away. I sat with a group riding a steadier pace.

I felt ok. “Comfortably uncomfortable” as they like to say. 

​

As we neared the top of the first pitch, I could feel the effort tipping just slightly over what I wanted to sustain. Not what I COULD, but what felt safe. So I made the decision to let them go. I convinced myself it was early and that was the smart move. I shifted to settling into my own rhythm and hitting my own power targets. 

​

As the race unfolded, I caught other riders, and we formed a group of about 5 riders. We worked well together. The draft helped on the flats. The pace was controlled and quite manageable. 

​

Multiple times I knew I could have pushed harder on the climbs. Multiple times I made the conscious decision not to. Again, I told myself it was strategy. Save it for the final steep 1-2 minute pitch to the line which suited me perfectly. Be patient. Be smart.

​

When the final climb came, I went and beat my direct competitors to the line. I set a new 90 min power record. I got 10th overall in the race. On paper, it was a good race. 

​

Yet when the race was over, I could not shake the unsettled feeling that I had. I did not feel absolutely shattered physically. I knew I had backed off intentionally multiple times during the race. Deep down, I knew I had protected myself and chosen the safe option.

What would have happened if I had gone with the early move? Not recklessly or emotionally, but with quiet conviction. What if I had believed in myself enough to risk it in order to find my true limits? Maybe I would have blown up. Maybe I would have surprised myself. I will never know.

Sometimes not knowing feels heavier than losing. It was not my legs that held me back; it was my own fear. Fear of discovering I wasn’t strong enough. Or maybe fear of discovering that I was and that the bar would then be raised even higher next time. 

​

I’ve relived this experience over and over in countless races and workouts. Sometimes I mask it as an intelligent strategy. But in reality, it is self protection.

I do not lie awake at night wondering: What if I lose? 

​

I lie awake at night and think: What if I never find out how good I could have been? 

​

Progress is Messy

​

Potential is not fixed. Performance is never a straight upward trajectory for me, or anyone. It stalls. It regresses. It surprises me. It constantly humbles us. 

​

There are weeks where I feel strong and capable. Other times where power feels hard to come by. Everything looks intimidating, even former versions of myself. 

​

Effort does not guarantee improvement. When that improvement plateaus or decreases, my first instinct is not to be patient with myself. It leads to self doubt and interrogation. 

​

Maybe I’m not tough enough? 

Maybe I don’t want it badly enough? 

Maybe I am not good enough? 

Maybe this is all the better I will ever be?

Maybe the problem is me? 

Why is everybody else doing better than me? 

​

Most everyone, even the most driven individual, has these thoughts. We tell ourselves that if we work hard, consistently enough, and long enough, we will inevitably become better versions of ourselves. And most of the time we do! But potential is not a promise. It is simply a possibility. 

​

Emotional Toll

​

Worrying about not reaching your potential is not inherently bad. In many ways, it means you deeply care.

You analyze data. You prioritize sleep and nutrition. You hire a coach and invest in the latest training tools. You adjust your fueling in an attempt to improve. You stay disciplined with structured training even when it is not glamorous. You do the work! 

Yet the pressure remains and even builds. The pressure of knowing you could maybe be better. Ambition has a way of amplifying discomfort. 

​

Sometimes the stress is not about ability, but identity. Workouts feel heavy because it can feel like a verdict and judgement of your capabilities. I’m not sure if I even want to try because I don’t want to feel like a failure. You dread races because you are afraid of underperforming. Maybe this is all the better I am? Everybody else must just be stronger!
 

I notice my motivation shifts depending on what I expect from myself and feel like the potential outcome will be. If I believe I am ready to perform well, I feel energized and excited. If I am unsure, I feel resistance and hesitation. Fatigue and doubt creep in before I even begin. 

​

This is not a lack of drive. It is a lack of certainty. The hard truth is that real growth requires going through life without certainty. Ceilings are never static. Sometimes they rise and sometimes they don’t. But they never define you as a person.

I can become attached to the idea of who I “should” be by now. And the deeper the ambition, the greater that attachment becomes. 

​

Actual Growth

​

I’ve tried to fake confidence. I just tell myself to believe more. But you cannot fake belief. Belief must be built, one block at a time.

You will never be able to completely eliminate self doubt. Striving for that is a recipe for disaster and an unrealistic goal. Growth is acting in spite of that self doubt.

Instead, I’m learning to attempt to focus on: 

​

• Showing up when I don’t feel brave, and committing even when I’m uncertain. Courage is quietly following through even when I am scared, tired, and uncertain.

• Showing up when I don’t feel like it. Consistency wins every time.

• Fueling properly, even when it feels excessive and uncomfortable. Improvement cannot happen if we do not fuel the work. Additionally, the more fuel our brain has, the more capable it is to handle challenging situations. 

• Making adjustments as necessary. I listen to my body and mind. Years ago I intentionally let go of some control and hired a coach to get a more objective point of view. I focus on trying to communicate with him about what is going on, and we make decisions together about what is the best course of action moving forward. 

• Having a post race/workout conversation with my coach, husband, or friend. We discuss specifics: what went well and what potentially could have been different or better. I make sure I have at least one positive takeaway from each day, and I I try to remind myself that my identity is not tied to that performance. 

• Accepting that growth is not linear. I control what I can. I put forth the effort. But I also realize it is not always going to be pretty. The process may not look impressive from an outsider’s perspective. It is constantly up and down. This is also where having a coach or trusted mentor can make a huge difference in terms of keeping everything in perspective.

 

Conclusions

I cannot control my ultimate potential. No one can. There are no guarantees in life. Potential is not something you unlock one time. It is something you must repeat over and over. That is how you honor yourself. That is how you find out who you truly are.

You keep climbing even when you do not know how high the mountain goes. You keep fighting despite all the voices telling you it is too hard and you are not strong enough. 

​

Perhaps the real failure in life is not falling short of your potential. Perhaps the real failure is letting fear of not reaching it stop you from even trying at all.