Parenting and Performance
Real talk here: kids are exhausting, expensive, time consuming, and needy. They undoubtedly are not easy. Yet so many of us still choose to have them. We also choose to continue to pursue our own athletic ambitions while trying to raise these tiny humans to the best of our ability.
Kids can also be a source of great joy and power. Having little versions of yourself running around does not have to mean you must completely sacrifice your own fitness and sanity; it means you must adapt.
Children offer opportunities-a chance to strengthen your relationship with your partner, to discover more about yourself and what is important to you, to lead by example, to inspire the next generation, and to strive to become a better person.
Anybody else's living room look like this far too often?
My Story
My husband, Ryan, and I have 2 kids, ages 7 and 5. Before we had kids our relationship was largely defined by bikes. We met on the local Tuesday Night World Champs group ride. When it was just the two of us, we went to countless mountain bike and cyclocross races together and rode many miles of hilly Iowa gravel. Then kids came into our lives!
I didn’t really do much riding for 5 years while I was pregnant and tending to babies. When my youngest was about 18 months old, I decided to prioritize fitness and found Zwift. A few months later I bought my first smart trainer.
I improved rapidly and quickly got sucked into the racing world. I joined an elite racing team, won my first premier division race, and competed in the eSports World Championships. I felt the pressure of success and had higher and higher expectations for myself.
I also made critical mistakes, perhaps relatable to many parents. I didn’t communicate well with Ryan about everything going on in my head and with my body. I over-raced and under fueled. I lost time and patience for my kids and grew increasingly grumpy. Kids were exhausting me and leaving me feeling like I wasn't doing a good enough job, so I sought validation of my worth from eSports racing. I wasted hours on Zwift Power looking for races to do and comparing myself to my competitors. I prioritized myself and my training and racing over my family, often taking bad advice to heart. My kids did nothing to deserve this. Neither did my husband. I was simply struggling to adapt to life as a new mom.
Eventually everything shook out much as you’d expect it eventually would. I felt pretty broken physically, mentally, and emotionally. My marriage was suffering, and my kids were in dire need of more of my love and attention.
At the encouragement of Ryan, I got a coach, Alex Coh. I shared as much of my backstory as I felt capable of doing early on during our time together. We discussed my goals and dreams but also my limitations, realistic availability, and vulnerabilities.
It’s taken work and constant adapting from a few people, but I finally feel like I am winning at mom-ing and at bikes. Our kids are old enough now that Ryan and I can ride the trainer together while they are playing in the house. It may not be the same as riding outside, but it sure is better than nothing and brings back some of the feelings of our life before kids.
I dabbled in outdoor racing again a few years ago, but ultimately I've decided that is something I'm willing to let go of, at least for the time being. I want to be a top level indoor racing, and that season is long and demanding. It is not fair for me to expect my family to make more sacrifices year round. The kids are also getting involved in more weekend activities, and I need to be present for those.
It is little things like that which help keep our marriage strong. We talk more now so there is less resentment and confusion. I eat more, race less, and train smarter, so I have more energy for my kids. It’s been a journey and not a solitary one. The mistakes still hurt, but I’m grateful that I was able to learn from them and be in the place that I am now. My family is happy and healthy, and isn’t that the ultimate goal?
Tips and Tricks
Fill your Cup
Self care gives you more mental, emotional, and physical energy. Pour this into your kids who are in constant need of more. More attention, more love, more acceptance, more food. You should not feel guilty or selfish for taking some time away from kids to spend on yourself as long as you then use that extra energy for something good.
Plan Ahead
You are far more likely to get the work done if you know far in advance exactly when, where, and what things are happening. Communicate with your partner and be ready to sacrifice race weekends, lower training volume, quickly adapt the plan, etc. Prioritize consistency above all else so that when the unpredictable inevitably happens, your training won’t be as derailed.
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Give yourself Grace, not Excuses
Take an honest look at you and your family’s schedule and your energy availability. Get the work done in a way that makes sense. Sometimes parents get so tired that we simply are not disciplined enough to put in the work, but the brutal truth is that there is usually somewhere it can be done.
You get home from a long day of stressful work to a house full of screaming kids and decide you don’t feel like exercising, so you sit on the couch with a plate of cookies instead. This is the behavior and attitude we need to change and plan for. If you know you are always exhausted after a long day, wake up earlier and exercise before work. Prioritize getting to bed earlier to make this a reality and more effective.
Don’t tell yourself that you are always too busy or too tired to take care of your own physical and mental health.
Manage your Energy
Life is all about managing your limited energy appropriately. Kids take up a lot of energy (and have a lot of energy!), so think about how you are using energy in the rest of your life.
Do you have people in your life that are negative? That judge you? That make you question yourself? Do what you can to diminish the degree in which these types of individuals are in your life.
Sorry you can’t actually get rid of your kids though, even if you feel like they are the biggest energy drains :)
Do you waste mental energy stressing about things outside of your control? Do you dwell on the “good old days” before kids when you were so much stronger, had a better self image, had more free time, etc? Do you constantly compare your life to others, both near you and random individuals on the internet? Do you find yourself worrying about what decisions your kids are going to make in the future and if you are doing enough as a parent to guide them?
STOP. Do your best to control your thoughts and steer them in a positive direction. Do a social media clean up and rid yourself of as much negativity as possible.
Remember Who You Are
When you become a parent, your life changes forever. You definitely do change because you must change. However, not everything about you has to change.
You are more than just a mother or father. It is good for your kids to see this as well. Don’t lose yourself completely in parenthood. Choose which sacrifices are necessary and which ones you are willing to make. Adapt along the way as your kids and you continue to evolve together.
Train Indoors
You can exercise while your young kids are napping or while your slightly older kids are entertaining themselves. You can do efficient, short, structured workouts, and it is much harder to make excuses for why you can’t find the time. Smart trainers are LIFE CHANGING. Spend the time and money getting a nice indoor set up because it is 100% worth it.
Hire a Coach
This takes away some of the mental energy because there is no question about what to do each day. This takes honest and constant communication about what is realistic for your schedule, but a coach can be one of the best investments for parents.
Involve your Kids
If they see you leading by example and being active, they will view it as normal and expected behavior. Go on your recovery rides and hikes with your kids, teach them to mountain bike, take them to kids races during your races, get their bike set up on a trainer next to yours, etc.
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You can do it all. Don’t let the demands of parenthood overwhelm you every single day. Take a breath, evaluate your life, hug your kids, and ride your bike!
